i think

How do you cool your lips after a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat after the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes from the romantic glare
How do you block the sound of a voice you’d know anywhere

Oh I really should have known by the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes, your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face that told me you might have some advice to give on how to be insensitive

How do you numb your skin after the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood after the body rush
How do you free your soul after you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart it’s a crime to fall in love again

Oh you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have some advice to give on how to be insensitive

ano na bang nangyayari sakin? tagal ko na ding hindi nagsusulat sa blog, namimiss na ko ng blog ko. so here, let’s just try to enumerate ‘em, ‘ayt (uhm, slang, anyone? ;p)?

1. i’ve now transferred to Training, just not sure how official ’cause until now no PAN request has been released yet.

2. generally, i have a blah blah mood towards life nowadays. i don’t know, nothing really exciting, i guess.

3. i’m still doing it. when the hell am i gonna stop?!

4. i’ve been missing my pamangkins lately.

5. my colleagues are not as happy as before at work because of a few factors. and i’m affected.

6. i remember the boy but i don’t remember the feeling anymore. hahahaha
i wanna try liking him again, just so i wouldn’t have to invest so much on another person, para it won’t hurt that much in the end. pero ayaw talagang bumalik eh. i can’t even pinpoint the exact reason why my feelings for him faded, they just did. kung kelan naman.. hehehe

7. relative to item number 6, i’ve been crushing on someone (so high school ba, K?) since last year. you know, that kind of feeling that when i see him, i smile, and when i don’t, i really don’t care. well, there have been developments. it’s no longer just on a 10-meter contact. we actually had chances to hang out together and all that. and he’s been really likeable and nice. but i don’t know, i guess my feelings haven’t upgraded from crush to like just yet. i mean, yes, he makes me kilig with all his flirting and everything, but for now, it’s just that–kilig. wala pa sa level ng naramdaman ko nun sa lalaki sa number 6. hehehe
but i am not closing my door. i might like him, who knows?

8. on the contrary (to number 7), although i am indeed open to liking him, i am at the same time, scared. i don’t really know him that much, or how he is, or what he’s really feeling. baka nga, he’s just "too nice" to everyone and i am opening myself to pain–again. kaya nga i don’t wanna invest that much, kung pwede, scattered investment (please refer to item number 6).

9. i like the turn out of my first formal training run. all the kaba and overtime really paid off.

10. my friends keep telling me that i am old. what’s your problem, people?? will you stop bugging me about my age? why are you so concerned about my lovelife?? ako nga hindi ko pinoproblema yun, kayo pa??!! puhleez!

11. I miss my old friends. I am thankful for the new ones, and the even newer ones that keep coming, but I still miss hanging out and talking with my old friends. When did we start having little or no time for each other?

12. I haven’t been out of town for quite a while now. I wanna go someplace far.  just get me out of here, somebody please! take me anywhere outside Metro Manila and Cavite, and i’ll go with you 100%. please! please! PLEASE!!  i’ll be forever grateful if you’d do just that.

i feel so bad

worried

scared

pissed off

annoyed

jealous

defeated

not okay

oh God, help me please!!!! i can’t take everything all at once and all by myself

Sana mapatawad ako ng Diyos. At sana pagdating sa dulo, andun Siya na naghihintay sa’kin, handang yakapin ang makulit na ako. Handang punasan ang mga luha kong ako rin ang may kagagawan. Handang bigyan ng ika-isanlibong pagkakataon ang pasaway na ako na magsimulang muli. Na ayusin ang buhay. Kasi ngayon, sa totoo lang, ramdam na ramdam ko kung paano mabuhay ng matigas ang ulo. Nararanasan ko ngayon ang hindi mapanatag dahil nawala na sa unahan ng listahan ko ang Diyos.

Sana hindi pa mahuli ang lahat. Sana magising na ko bago pa mahuli ang lahat.

There is one thing I realized in the past days. I may rant and rant about how my friends irritate me, how I hate them, how their pesky characteristics piss me off, how they sometimes get into my nerves. But they’re first and foremost my friends, and I love them—peskiness, quirks and all.

Now I will tell you what I’ve done for you -
50 thousand tears I’ve cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -
And you still won’t hear me.

(going under)
Don’t want your hand this time - I’ll save myself.
Maybe I’ll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I’d reached the bottom

I’m dying again

I’m going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through
I’m going under

Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.
(So I don’t know what’s real) So I don’t know what’s real and what’s not (and what’s not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can’t trust myself anymore

I’m dying again

I’m going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through

So go on and scream
Scream at me I’m so far away (so far away)
I won’t be broken again (again)
I’ve got to breathe - I can’t keep going under

I’m dying again

I’m going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through

I’m going under (going under)
I’m going under (drowning in you)
I’m going under

I went to your house Walked up the stairs I opened your door without ringing the bell  I walked down the hall Into your room Where I could smell you  And I shouldn’t be here, without permission I shouldn’t be here  Would you forgive me love If I danced in your shower  Would you forgive me love If I laid in your bed  Would you forgive me love If I stay all afternoon  I took off my clothes Put on your robe I went through your drawers And found your cologne  Went down to the den Found your CD’s
And I played your Joni  And I shouldn’t stay long, you might be home soon
I shouldn’t stay long  Would you forgive me love If I danced in your shower  Would you forgive me love If I laid in your bed  Would you forgive me love If I stay all afternoon  I burned your incense I ran a bath I noticed a letter that sat on your desk  It said "Hello love, I love you so love, meet me at midnight"  And no, it wasn’t my writing I’d better go soon  It wasn’t my writing  So forgive me love If I cry in your shower  So forgive me love For the salt in your bed  So forgive me love If I cry all afternoon

There’s nothing wrong with being single. It’s nice to be free. I can stay out late every night, I can wear whatever I want, I can just be my plain old self.

The world sees that I can take care of myself.

So please stop buggin’ me why I am still single!! You’re pissin’ me off!

Unless you want me to start asking you why you’re still in that pathetic relationship that just drains you of all your energy.

On another note, I wouldn’t mind having someone walk me home. I wouldn’t mind wanting to look good or trying to be better for someone. I wouldn’t mind letting someone hold me when I’m just too weak to go on.

It’s nice to be free, but I wouldn’t mind being bound to someone who loves me.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry
Hey, baby my nose is getting big
I noticed it be growing when I been telling them fibs
Now you say your trust’s getting weaker
Probably coz my lies just started getting deeper
And the reason for my confession is that I learn my lesson
And I really think you ought to know the truth
Because I lied and I cheated and I lied a little more
But after I did it I don’t know what I did it for
I admit that I have been a little immature
Fucking with your heart like I was the predator
In my book of lies I was the editor
And the author
I forged my signature
And now I apologise for what I did to you
Cos what you did to me I did to you

No,no, no, no baby, no, no, no, no don’t lie
No, no, no, no, yeah, you know, know, know, know, you gotta try
What you gonna do when it all comes out
When I really see you & what you’re all about

No, no, no baby, no, no, no, no don’t lie
Yeah, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you gotta try

She said I’m leaving
Cos she can’t take the pain
It’s hard to continue this love it ain’t the same
Can’t forget the things that I’ve done inside her brain
Too many lies committed too many games
She feeling like a fool getting on the last train
Trying to maintain but the feeling won’t change
I’m sorry for the things that I’ve done and what I became
Caught up in living my life in the fast lane
Blinded by lights, cameras, you know the fame
I don’t know the reason why I did these things

And I lie and I lie and I lie and I lie
And now our emotions are drained
Cos I lie and I lie and a little lie lie
And now your emotions are drained

Yo, I’m lying to my girl
Even though I love her
And she all in my world
I give her all my attention and diamonds & pearls
She’s the one who makes me feel on top of the world
Still I lie to my girl, I do it

And I lie and I lie and I lie till there’s no turning back
I don’t know why, (and I lie and I lie till I don’t know who I am)

have you ever experienced feeling nothing but hatred towads someone? especially if that someone happens to be your friend whom you trust so much and share some really good times with.

friend! my ass! right now, i don’t even wanna see his face. he’s such a jerk who doesn’t deserve my friendship.

JERK! JERK! JERK!

he’s not what i thought he is. he’s a fucking liar!
i hate myself for stupidly believing his lies.

i wish i could hit him REAL HARD on the face to let him feel all the anger i have for him and for myself.
i wish guys like him would just rot in hell!
i wish girls would stop falling for jerks like him and love them in all their jerky splendor!

and you know what the hell is worse than this pure hatred that i feel?

it’s knowing that he has practically no idea how big of a jerk he is and how much i’m hurting because of him. ’cause letting him know is the mother all of pathetics!