Archive for December, 2006

suntok sa buwan uli

Thursday, December 28th, 2006

hindi mo ba alam dadamin ko’y pinagtakpan,

ang makasama ka’y suntok sa buwan

di mo nga alam. mundo mo nga’y iyong tingnan

kung ganyan, walang pupuntahan

hindi ko to gusto pero huwag kang lalayo

itanong mo sa akin, tatanunungin ko rin

kung ika’y aamin lahat ay gagawin

di mo napapansin

kailangan mo akong dinggin. di habang buhay ika’y aantayin

ito’y aking hiling at sana naman ay tanggapin ng puso ko’y di nabibitin

DI KO TO GUSTO

PERO HUWAG KANG LALAYO

tuloy na tuloy pa rin ang pasko

Sunday, December 24th, 2006

O bakit kaya tuwing Pasko ay dumarating na ang bawa’t isa’y para bang namomroblema. Hindi mo alam ang regalong ibibigay ngayong kay hirap na nitong ating buhay

Meron pa kayang caroling at noche buena kung tayo naman ay kapos at wala nang pera. Nakakahiya kung muling pagtaguan mo ang ‘yong mga inaanak sa araw ng Pasko.

Ngunit kahit na anong mangyari ang pag-ibig sana’y maghari
Sapat nang si Jesus ang kasama mo, tuloy na tuloy parin ang pasko

Mabuti pa nga ang Pasko noong isang taon sa ating hapag mayroong keso de bola’t hamon. Baka sa gipit, Happy New Year mapo-postpone at ang hamon ay mauuwi sa bagoong

Ngunit kahit na anong mangyari ang pag-ibig sana’y maghari.
Sapat nang si Jesus ang kasama mo, tuloy na tuloy parin ang pasko

Tuloy na tuloy pa rin (tuloy na tuloy pa rin)
Tuloy na tuloy pa rin (tuloy na tuloy pa rin)
Tuloy na tuloy pa rin ang pasko
Tuloy na tuloy pa rin ang pasko

Tuesday, December 19th, 2006

Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here’s my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It’s both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without.

I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you’ve crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don’t know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.

>> Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

Here’s my thought:

Intimacy is giving someone the right to hurt you. It is allowing another person to control you.  It makes you rationalize the wrong things you do. It screws up your values. It is letting someone mess up with your thoughts, your self, your life.

121806

Monday, December 18th, 2006

Today I have yet another someone tell me, “Ang bigat ng dinadala mo.” What is it with my blog? Why do people react that way? Why do they keep asking me if I am fine, if I’m feeling okay and all that? I AM OKAY.

Maybe they just ain’t used to hearing me utter those thoughts. They see me as someone cynical, practical, radical, indifferent, tough, and happy. In other words, gloomy is not equal to me.

I am not depressed. But I am capable of feeling soft, of pain, of struggling inside. I acknowledge my insecurities and fears. I just don’t want most people to see them. See? That’s yet another issue. But I need release; thus, my blog. I write not to shout to the world, “Hey, care for me!” but for the intrinsic feeling of being able to air out my thoughts (I live to write, anyway).

The point is, writing how I feel, or think, does not make me un-human. Nor does it make me dysfunctional, scary even. It means I am normal. It means that despite the hardcore exterior, I am capable of emotions. It means that despite the stoic façade, I have issues. And I acknowledge them. More than this, I am open to healing. In fact, I am healing.

carpe diem

Sunday, December 10th, 2006

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say.

I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d have to say it has a lot to do with FEAR.

Fear of failure,

fear of rejection,

sometimes the fear is just of making a decision.

Because what if you’re wrong? What if you’re making a mistake you can’t undo?

The early bird catches the worm.

A stitch in time saves nine.

He who hesitates is lost.

We can’t pretend we hadn’t been told. We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.

Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant.

That knowing is better than wondering,

that waking is better than sleeping,

and even the biggest failure,

even the worst,

beat the hell out of never trying.

soundtrack ko din ba to?? wag naman! hahaha

Sunday, December 10th, 2006

Laging bigo
Laging sawi sa pag-ibig
May balat nga ba ako sa pwet?
Mabuti pa ang tindera sa aming kanto
Nakakainggit
TL ang sweet nila ng kanyang nobyo
Gusto ko lang maranasang umibig
Tamaan ni Kupido
Gusto ko lang maranasan ang langit
Tumibok muli ang puso ko

Tumatakbo ang oras naiiwan na ako ng panahon
Di na nagbago bawat araw pare-pareho
Parang kahapon

May birthday cake ka nga
Ngunit wala namang kandila
May Christmas tree na malupet
Wala naman dekorasyong pansabit
Sadyang ganyan ang aking buhay
Walang kasing tamlay
Ayoko sanang tumandang nag-iisa

Tatanggapin na lang ba
Ang malupit na tadhana
O kaya’y tatanggapin na lang
Na ako’y sadyang hindi pinagpala
Tigilan na ang drama
Punasan na ang luha

hammerhead

Saturday, December 9th, 2006

My friend Will told me, "love is the cure." and i totally got what he meant [this was said in the context of my confusion and kadramahan that i confide with him about].

Will, making love the cure is like getting a hammer and hitting myself on the head. so puhleez! spare me the redundant heartache. ;p

???

Saturday, December 9th, 2006

what do you think you’re doing??

ako ba to?

Thursday, December 7th, 2006

Pano ba ko magugustuhan ng mga taong gusto kong magustuhan ako?

Ngayong araw na to meron akong napagtanto. Wala na akong matawag na kaibigang tunay sa kumpanyang pinapasukan ko ngayon. Hindi sa peke ang mga kaibigan ko ngayon. Pero wala na yung mga taong talagang maaasahan kong laging andiyan kapag kailangan ko ng kausap, o kung gusto kong gumimik. Yung taong napagkukwentuhan ko ng lahat ng nararamdaman ko, ng lahat ng asar ko sa kahit kaninong tao sa spi, ng lahat ng hinanakit ko, ng kampante akong hindi lalabas yung mga sinabi ko. Yung taong kayang sakyan lahat ng trip ko at okey lang na asarin dahil alam niyang nagbibiro lang ako. At kahit anong kalokohan ang gawin ko, hindi nagbabago ang tingin niya sakin. Kaibigan pa rin.

E kanina lang, meron akong napansin. Bakit yung mga bago kong kaibigan, parang imbes na lumalim ang samahan namin sa pagdaan ng mga araw, parang napapalayo pa kami sa isa’t isa. O ako lang ang nilalayuan nila? Ang paranoid no?? Minsan ganito talaga ko. Ewan ko ba.

Tapos, naisip ko: ano bang ginagawa at sinasabi ko kaya nagkakaganito? Dapat bang lagi kong i-adjust ang ugali ko sa mga tao? Naisip kong gawin yun. Yung tipong ang gagawin ko lang kapag yung isa ang kasama ko eh yung mga papasa lang sa kanya. Dun naman sa kabila, yun lang magugustuhan niuya. Chamaéleon ba. Para gusto nila ko, diba??

Pero teka! Gusto nila… ako?? Eh hindi ba kapag ginawa ko yun parang inalis ko na yung AKO? Dahil ayokong may nagagalit sa kin gagayahin ko na lang ba si Julia Roberts sa Runaway Bride na hindi alam kung anong luto ng itlog ang totoong gusto niya? Kasi kung ano’ng sa boyfriend niya, yun na din ang kanya. Pero.. huwag namang ganun!

Sana talaga matutunan ko na lang na mawalan ng pakialam sa sasabihin ng iba. Ganito naman ako dati diba? Ano ba kasing nangyari sakin ngayon at masyado na kong apektado ng mga tao? Bakit naging sobrang mahalaga sakin ang pagtanggap ng mga taong gusto ko? Bakit nasasaktan ako kapag hindi sila natutuwa sakin?

Nakakainis naman.

Thursday, December 7th, 2006

Please don’t misinterpret my being me.