i think

I feel his pain. And because of this, I realize that I care for him big time.

I don’t like that someone is causing him pain. I feel the exact same feeling I felt when someone punched my little brother when we were young.

No big sister would want her little brother hurt. She can yell at, beat, and fight with him as much as she wants, but can’t bear the sight of him being hurt by other people, physically or otherwise.

I hope I can tell him to stop caring about her. To stop bothering himself about someone who doesn’t care for him the same way he does for her. But I haven’t earned that right yet.

And no matter how pathetic he looks to me with what he does to himself because of her, it is just like looking at myself in the mirror.

I hope we humans have the capacity to stop hurting ourselves by stubbornly caring for—whilst hoping that they would start caring for us, too—people who can’t give us what we want from them.

Because although it is true that some people make the world special just by being in it, it is even truer that their world wouldn’t be as special without the people who appreciate them.

ano ba ang pakiramdam ng isang palaboy?

ng isang nilalang na walang matutuluyan?

ng isang taong hindi malaman kung saan matutulog kinagabihan?

NGAYON ALAM KO NA.

have your ever been in love? horrible, isn’t it? it makes you so vulnerable. it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

you build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… you give them a piece of you. they didn’t ask for it. they did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore.

love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. it hurts. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-aprt pain. I HATE LOVE.

>> Neil Gaiman

there’s a song that’s been part of my mp3 list that i haven’t really "listened" to. once i have, though, i realized its aptness in my present dillemma. ;p

here it is:

I wanna tell you baby you’re the one that Im thinking of
But your heart is still with her and I think she’s the one that you love
I only want you happy even if it’s not with me
Maybe one day you’ll open up your eyes and you’ll see that I think Im falling,
Maybe I’m falling for you
Yeah I think Im falling, baby Im falling for you

From the first time you laid your lips on mine it feels like the smile on my face will last till the end of time
But Im not so sure that you’re the one that I should pursue
My mind tells me no but my heart only says that it’s you

Only time will tell
The mystery has yet to unfold–who’s gonna feel love’s warmth and the other left in the cold

I AM SO BORED. As in B-O-R-E-D. I have never mastered the art of going home to my boarding house early (read: 6pm) and find something to do. At the same time, every cell in my body is screaming “Leave the office NOW!” But where is my poor self going?

There’s not much to do at work anymore. I’ve done my tasks for the day (even those not required for today). I wanna leave but not go home and I can’t find any available person to accompany me to God-knows-where.

Come to think of it, when was the last time I had quality time with myself? On second thought, I am not in the mood to be solely with myself tonight. Not tonight, no.

Ugh! Where and how did I acquire this disorder?? Why is it that every time I have the urge to go out, no matter how early or how late, my spirit won’t be settled unless satisfied?
All I know is that I have to go somewhere as far as my money can take me.
AAAAHHHHH!!!

How do I describe my day? Nothing extraordinary, really.

I actually refrained from replying to a message from someone who hasn’t contacted me for quite a while, because I dared myself not to, without any stake. Yes, he’s the same person I’m trying to fall out of love with. I hope I can do this. J

I miss my pesky li’l brother. I was actually expecting for his regular text message this morning inviting me for breakfast and it took me a couple of minutes to remember that there won’t be any invite ‘cause it’s his rest day today.

I was speaking with my work friends over pizza just a while back when I realize that I am gonna miss recruitment work. My transfer to Training is final, and although I am excited by the fact that I am finally doing what I wanna do, and by the challenges attached to it, I am quite surprised to feel that I am gonna miss Recruitment terribly. Not the people, ‘cause basically, I’m still gonna be here, but the work itself. I guess it’s true what they say that you won’t realize that value of something until it’s gone. Well, my present work is still here, but it’s as good as gone since my movement is official three weeks from now.

I have come to love my work, the challenges, the diversity of the people I meet, and everything attached to it. Perhaps I’m gonna write something about this –like what I’ll miss in Recruitment—when the time is right.

General mood: happy

How do you contain a lot of good news that choose to arrive at a one-second interval? It just gives me the high when everything seems to be going well.

I’m thankful for the following (in no particular order):

• Lengthy talk with not just one but TWO friends I haven’t had a talk with for quite a while
• A positive response from a potential German candidate for a new work requirement and a new application received from a cute Pinoy ;p who has the same competency
• A very positive interview with someone to potentially replace me at work

• Being able to attend an expensive job fair that we originally declined because of lack of budget (now, where did that money come from?? J)

• Knowing that what I write has an impact on at least a single soul

• Seeing two really good friends who previously had an unspoken rift have breakfast together

• Receiving a message from someone I decided not to have any communication with anymore

I hope to receive more good news as the day comes to an end. J

Do not put yourself in a position where you’re not sure where you are in a person’s life. Do not assume. Do not expect. So that when that person decides to drop you, you’ll have enough courage to stand up.

Once again, I made the grave mistake of putting myself in a position I have not yet earned. What I don’t know won’t hurt me.
Why did I have to know??
Why did I want to have to know??
Why is it that every time I decide with seemingly strong conviction to put an end to a hopeless situation, something deceivingly good will happen that will raise my hopes up? The worse part is, something bad will take place right after it. And the pain it brings can cover the multitude of happiness that I felt.

Lord, please help me put an end into this. I mean an end. Help me bear the one-time big time pain it’ll bring. Help me please. Help.

Four days have passed and there’s really not much to tell.

Last Saturday, I was so pissed off with my parents, especially my dad, and I so much wanted to write it down here. Then I thought of letting it pass for a while, and check if after a few hours I’d still be as pissed off. I didn’t really wanna let the sober and calm side of myself read really cruel and hateful words on my blog. I fell asleep and voila! A couple of hours and I don’t wanna write it anymore!

Funny, ‘cause after waking up, I felt so remorseful that I wanted to hug my mom right there and then. But of course, I did not, knowing the guarded person that I am. I wish I’d be able to express really caring emotions to people that I love.