i think

We have just finished our send-off party for nette. It was, as expected, full of laughter and tears. I felt like crying my heart out, but my tear ducts stopped producing water the moment I told them to. I am sad, this I know. I’ll never get used to people leaving. I’ll never get used to people I care about leaving. But my sadness just won’t come out. It’s building up inside me. It stays inside when I so much want to let go of it.

It’s true that she’s gonna leave a big, big blank spot in SPi, in our hearts. In my life. It won’t be the same anymore. I’m sure I’ll still be calling her name days from now and then realize she’s no longer here. I’ll still expect her to invite me for lunch with her ever ready chocolate for dessert.

The time we spent together is not short, but it wasn’t long enough either. There are stuff that I only do with her. There are a lot of things I feel, I say, that only she would understand. It just won’t be the same anymore. A lot will change. And it is a change I am not willing to accept but has to happen.

Another very good friend is leaving. I guess it’s really true what they say: the people you care about are taken away from you too soon. Moreover, they are taken away from you at the time you’re enjoying a really good relationship with him/her.

The fact that Nette is leaving for a long, long time in a far, far away land has never really sunk in until I read a friend’s message for her. She’s leaving. But I know that I will always cherish the good times we have spent together. The sad thing is, these are just memories left to me. Who knows how many years will pass before we see each other again?

It’s cliché and has been used millions of times, but there’s no better way to express all I want to tell you: I love you and I’m definitely gonna miss you, Mommy Nette!

I had a drink with a few friends last night; not qualified as a night out coz we were just in my place—the place I temporarily live in, that is. It was a fun night, we pigged out with dampa food, with buttered shrimp as the winner of the night, yum yum! Jullius even drank the butter up, gross!! It was amusing how the guys found the food delicious, and how naïve about Dampa they were. J

We played that “ask anyone anything” game that I invented. And I’m not really sure if it was a good idea playing it coz I finally blurted out—well, almost, but it was a give-away—who that mystery guy is. Ugh! As ayka put it, did those people deserve an honest answer? I’m not really close to all of them, just jullius, I guess, so until now I’m not so sure if it was a good move to admit who that guy is. I just hope I can hold on to their word that whatever info we got from each other remains in that place. ‘cause I really don’t know how else I’m gonna face them knowing that they know something about me that I am not very proud of. What if they see me with him? How do I react? How will they react? I guess I’ll just cross the bridge when I get there.

Today is trick or treat day. It was tiring but fun. It was really enjoyable watching the kids in their really cute costumes. There was even a penguin! Such a cute kid! But the winner of the day was Chucky Doll, which was actually already a given. It was so original and so cool, I wanna take him home. Kawawang bata! Hahaha

I told ayka that I am attracted to someone. I still haven’t had the chance to spend enough time with him so I can actually get to know him, but I don’t know. I like it when I see him and when he smiles at, or greets me. I guess he’s one of those included in the “like” category of my like-don’t care-don’t like classifications of the people I meet. I just hope we’ll have the chance to get to know each other and see if he’s worth knowing. J

Earlier I found the soundtrack of my life: “Clumsy”. It’s as if the songwriter was in the same situation as I am now when he was writing the song. His prayer is my exact prayer. His dilemma is so similar to mine. No other song can aptly describe how I am feeling and what I am going through now. Kudos to Chris Rice and whoever wrote the song!

I was in a meeting earlier and a sudden thought occurred to me: this is real. I am here and am part of this group. I am hearing these professional-sounding words that mean big things to the employees, to the executives, and to me. What was once just a childhood game is now happening to me in real time. It still amazes me how from talking about dolls and toy cars or grades in school, I now talk about ideas and programs that have a big impact on the people that will benefit from them.

I’ve come to acknowledge, now more than ever, that I am part of a bigger community. That the what, when, how, how often, and who of every single action I make has an effect on at least one person. And if I want that effect to be positive—as much as my control will allow it—I should give my best. I guess if we always bear in mind that what we do affect others, we will always be motivated to give our best shot at work.

If we choose to make a difference, if we choose to touch even just life, then both our feet will always be put forward.

You think I’d have it down by now
Been practicin’ for twenty years
I should have walked a thousand miles
So what am I still doin’ here
Reachin’ out for that same old piece of forbidden fruit
I slip and fall and I knock my halo loose
Somebody tell me what’s a girl supposed to do?

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

I’m gonna get it right this time
I’ll be strong and I’ll make You proud
I’ve prayed that prayer a thousand times
But the rooster crows and my tears roll down (again)
Then You remind me You made me from the dust
And I can never, no never, be good enough
And that You’re not gonna let that come between us

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

From where I stand
Your holiness is up so high I can never reach it
My only hope is to fall on Jesus

            I went to Enchanted Kingdom today! Yeyy!

This was my first time there and it was well worth the trip. Honeylet, Rain, Leonard, and Jan were with me and boy, did we have fun! We were all like kids screaming, laughing, getting wet and bruised. It was pure fun fun fun!

Being the thinker that I am, I can’t help but question the depth of what I feel for Mr. Love (the playfulness of the moniker doesn’t seem appropriate but hey, who cares but me? ;p). I was enjoying myself at EK but I also can’t help but think of how happier I’d be if he was with us. Why would everything seem more enjoyable if he was there? Why does this tiny voice inside always whisper, “wish he was here..” Would the level of my happiness yesterday be elevated if he was actually there? If you ask me now, I’d say yes.

But then again, I’ll never really know until I experience it.

I feel sad. I feel like crying but I cannot really pinpoint the exact reason. I’ve been wanting to go someplace quiet and think and commune with myself, with God, and maybe find answers. No, find the questions first.

What reinforced this need is my conversation with Will. We’ve talked about a lot of things earlier. Friendship, love, spirituality, God. He made me think. A lot. No, let me rephrase that. He stirred my thoughts. But until now I am confused.

I’ve put myself in this situation. I’ve chosen to do things against my values. I’ve chosen to be swayed by distorted principles. I’ve tried to rationalize the wrong things I’ve done. I’ve defeated myself—the good me.

And now I wanna stand up. I wanna go back. But I don’t know where to start. I don’t know where to go. And I’m not sure if I’m ready to let go of the things that give me temporary happiness, even though I know that that’s all they can offer—momentary and shallow happiness.

nakakamiss ang maging bata.

parang lahat may sagot, kasi tanong mo lang kay nanay, tanong mo lang kay tatay. o kaya naman kay ma’am. o sa kalaro  o klasmeyt mong nagmamarunong at nag-aastang maraming alam (pero uto-uto naman tayong naniniwala ;p)

ngayon, ang mga tanong natin sa buhay hindi kayang sagutin ng textbook na isang libo mahigit ang presyo. kahit topnotcher sa bar hindi kayang sagutin ang "bakit ako pa?!" hindi rin pwede itanong kay jeeves kung bakit nakipagbreak satin ang ating iniirog. at kahit may maglakas loob magbigay ng sagot, hindi pa rin tayo kuntento. at kahit nasagot na, bibirahan pa din natin ng "eh bakit nga??" parang bata!

noon, kapag nadapa, kasalanan natin kasi takbo tayo ng takbo. ngayon din naman, kasalanan din natin kapag nadadapa tayo. ang pinagkaiba lang, nakikita natin kung pano magdugo at lumaki ang sugat. at nakikita din nina nanay–at naririnig–ang pagpalahaw natin kasi masakit. ice cream lang ang katapat niyan! minsan nga, pinagyayabang pa natin sa mga kalaro natin, "tingnan mo o, may sugat ako!"
napapanood din natin kung pano gamutin ni nanay. masakit ang alkohol at betadine, pero kinakaya natin kasi alam nating pampabilis ng paggaling yun.
tapos nagpepeklat. pero masaya! kasi ibig sabihin kapag peklat na, magaling na!

ngayon, kapag nasugatan tayo (na kagagawan din naman natin), hindi naman natin maipakita. hindi tayo makaiyak kasi ayaw nating ipakita na mahina tayo. nagtatapang-tapangan tayo. ibang alkohol pa ang binabalingan natin; alkohol na akala natin nakakapagpagaling. ayaw natin ng mga gamot ng one-time-big-time ang sakit pero mas mabilis naman ang paghilom ng sugat. gusto pa rin nating masaktan ng mas matagal, at least dahan-dahan. kalokohan!

dati kahit maraming bawal, alam naman nating kapag may nangyari sa’tin, kahit gano kaliit, madaling magsumbong kina nanay. ngayon, sabi nga ni spiderman, "with great power comes great responsibilities". sa’tin naman, "with great independence comes great consequences". at nakakahiya ng magsumbong kasi "i’m a big girl now."

kelan nga ba naging komplikado ang lahat?