i think

people always leave… and so far, no one has ever come back.

how many times have i established really good relationships with people, and just when everything’s going so well, they’d just leave? whether they choose to be with other people, or work in another place, or live in another country, the effect is the same: i am left alone. and this is one thing that makes me really, really sad. one thing i don’t want to go through but have always found myself in anyway.

goodbyes never fail to make me sad. stories with partings make me cry, you can’t begin to imagine what real life goodbyes do to me. although there’s always the promise of being friends forever, it just seems empty. although there’s the promise of keeping in touch, i just know that things won’t be the same anymore. because when someone leaves, he always takes a piece of me with him.

i am once again asking myself questions like, what’s after goodbye? why do things have to end? why do we have to part ways? why can’t people just stay? is going away really for the better?

i guess i will never find the answers, just as people will never stop leaving. meanwhile, i can only think of happy memories with these people whilst hoping that they’d come back.

’cause although people always leave, maybe, just maybe, they’d still come back.

A friend once told me that I shouldn’t let anyone hold my happiness in their hands. And I believe her. In fact, I have always held on to the belief that we should follow what makes us happy no matter what anyone else says, as long as we’re not hurting them (although sometimes it is inevitable doing so). Funny, though, ‘cause I am only starting to realize that I am not following my own advice.

I just am starting to see the way I make decisions. And it is so not the way I want it to be, so contrary to my principle. And my ego wouldn’t be proud of me because of this.

I guess what I’m driving at is that even though I keep on saying that I am directly responsible and affected by the decisions I make that my ultimate concern should be me, I tend to do otherwise. Without really realizing it, I am worried by what other people would feel that I take for granted what I feel. I so much don’t want to hurt anyone that I am hurting myself in the process.

Now, I am not trying to appear saintly here. As I have said, my ego would not be proud of me. And in fact, this is something I myself am not proud of. I wanna follow my own advice. I wanna be happy. But it seems that there will always be the factor of who will be affected aside from me. Of who will be sad because I am happy. As one friend kindly—and pretty dead on—put it, more than half of my decision is based on what would make other people happy, and not so much as what will make me happy.

I don’t know how to pull myself out of the tunnel I have created. Although it’s good to take into consideration the persons that might be affected by my decisions, my primary concern should be me. Because it is me, not them, who would enjoy—or suffer—the consequences. It is my happiness that is at stake, not theirs. I still believe in this principle. I just have to start believing that I can live it.

watching the movie is quite different from reading the book.
i wasn’t really interested in watching it at first, because i didn’t really like the book. and it’s not mainly because of the ideas dan brown was presenting there, but because the reviews i heard and read about the book were simply superb and well, i set high standards, thus, expected much.
so i really liked the movie. know why? ’cause this time, i wasn’t expecting anything good out of it (as i mentioned, i was disappointed with the book). so i guess it’s just a matter of perspective and setting expectations.

i think mtrcb was pretty exaggerated in pre-banning the film based on the book. i mean, have they actually watched it before coming up with that decision?
’cause, really, with all the suspense and "habulans" going on, you wouldn’t even notice the scene where the Jesus-Mary controversy was discussed. and it didn’t sound as "convincing" as it did when dan brown discussed it in his book (so they should have banned the book than the movie, don’t you think? ;p).

but what’s the real issue?
i do not want to be expelled from my faith for considering the possibility of what mr. brown was saying.
but is it really about who married who or what gospel was "voted" to be cannonized or not?
does this have anything to do with salvation?
does this affect the fact that God sent His Son to live a sinless life and then die on the cross for our sins?
did His rising up on the third day not happen?

there are a lot of controversies and supposed secrets about Christianity that are just not as widely publicized as those raised by dan brown. but whether we like it or not, whether printed or kept hidden, they’re still gonna be there.

and so is faith. it’s always gonna be there. as long as we have a deep relationship with the Savior, as long as we practice His teachings, all controversies won’t matter.

just think about this:
the ideas of the da vinci code are arguably real.
but faith is real.
JESUS IS REAL.
and that’s all that matters.